7 happiness helps that really work for me

Step 1: Become an aunt (!!)

Ok, my first happiness tip is to BECOME AN AUNT. OH MY GOSH.

My sister Amy had my parents’ first grandbaby on Monday. And you guys…. nothing has ever been cuter than baby Jack.

He was only hours old and already making adorable faces at us.

I think my face in this one says it all. I love him sooo much.

So snuggly I could melt away.

I realize we all can’t become aunts on demand. But I highly recommend the experience ;). How is it that I already know I would do anything for this little guy??

Now that we’ve all been cheered up by adorable baby pictures, let’s chat about some ways to find happiness that are within our control!

Here are my top tips for day-by-day happiness. I’ve gathered these the last four-ish years from all over the place (psychology podcasts, church related stuff, wise people, experience). I hope some of them will bring some calmness to your life. <3

1. Remember, the bad thing that happened to someone else isn’t guaranteed to happen to you.

I’m sure there is some psychological term for this mental state, but I don’t know it. Basically what happens to me is when I hear of something bad happening to someone else, I start mentally preparing for when it will happen to me. This could be big things (like health struggles or divorce) or things that are more minor (like getting bad pregnancy acne one day).

We have a responsibility to care about the trials of others. I just have to remind myself to avoid spiraling into a long mental nightmare in which I walk through how I would handle it. Some of those bad things may happen to me, yes. But premediating them alone in the dark will not help me. Which actually brings me to my next point…

2. Trust that what you have inside is enough. 

You will never really know if you are prepared for something until it happens. So you can either fret over your abilities to mother or work or serve or endure OR …..  you can trust that when the moment comes, future-you will have enough. You will be enough. (And that includes matters of testimony, too.) 

3. Don’t try and cross bridges before you get to them. 

This is one is similar to #2, but has more to do with decisions. The main point is this: I try not to stress myself out over making decisions when it isn’t actually time to make them.

For example, I was talking to a sweet younger friend who was considering going on a mission, but had another two years before she would be old enough to go. But she was so worried about deciding right now if she would go. There wasn’t anything in her life that required making the decision right now. I think it was just the stress and pressure of it all; she wanted the decision done with. 

But it wasn’t time to cross that bridge. She wasn’t standing at the edge of it yet.  

It makes me think of this beautiful passage from The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. The book is the incredible story of how young Corrie and her family helped Jews escape from the Nazi’s during World War II. Corrie and her family were eventually caught and sent to a Nazi death camp. Only Corrie survived. Her faith in God through it all is insanely inspiring. 10/10 recommend the book.

Anyway, this conversation with her father is so insightful. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about this applies to your life:

“Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. ‘Corrie,’ he began gently, ‘when you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your ticket?’

I sniffed a few times, considering this.

‘Why, just before we get on the train.’

‘Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things, too. Don’t run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes … you will look into your heart and find the strength you need—just in time.”

4. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend

I bet you’ve heard about this one before—but have you ever really tried it? When angry or stressful thoughts bounce around your head, have you tried to tell yourself what would you tell a friend who was feeling anxious?

The first time I really did this was a few months ago during church. I was giving a talk in sacrament meeting that day, and in the last few minutes before it was my turn to speak, my mind was racing. “You didn’t prepare well enough.” “People are going to think what you say is immature or dumb.” “Your talk isn’t long enough and it will be so awkward when the meeting ends early.” And so on : )

Then I had a flash of inspiration. If bff Dani told me she was feeling that way, what would I say to her? 

“Trust what you’ve done is enough, Dani.” “These people are kind. You are about to help them.” “The time of the meeting really doesn’t matter that much. And, Dani, people love getting out of church early!”

And guys, it totally worked!! I felt calm. Try iiiittttt!!

5. Train your mind to hope for the best, not brace for the worst

Coming up with that phrasing “hoping for the best, not bracing for the worst” was one of my proudest moments haha. Realizing I could choose hope was a revolutionary moment in my life. You can read more about it here: A case for hoping for the best (not bracing for the worst).

6. Writing it down will make you feel way better

I’m also sure you’ve heard about how beneficial journaling is. But ladies. Do you know just how beneficial? It’s crazy.

I’ve always just kinda sensed that journaling makes me feel better. Writing with a pen on paper is like being a mind cowgirl—you lasso all those chaotic thoughts rampaging around your head and corral them into something manageable. I’ve always known that. So when I heard an explanation on a podcast about why journaling feels like that, I got pretty excited. 

The podcast was The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. Dr. Santos is a psychology professor at Yale, so she’s fancy.

The episode is called “Build the Life You Want … Advice from Arthur Brooks and Oprah.” The episode covers a lot, but the small part on the mental benefits of journaling is what stood out to me the most. I don’t know a lot about the parts of the brain, but this information was still interesting to me. Here is what Arthur Brooks said:

“Journaling is incredible because when you’re writing something down you’re using your prefrontal cortex, but you’re journaling about something that was in your limbic system, which is unbelievable. … Once your prefrontal cortex is involved you’ve got choices. And that’s so much power [because] you can accept the emotion and choose the reaction. You can look at the emotion and choose to substitute it with another emotion. You can literally do this!”

So to summarize: journaling uses multiple parts of your brain. Writing things down is a way to recognize and accept your emotion, and then choose your reaction. (Rather than being carried away by emotion). Incredible, indeed!

I am not a journal-every-day girl, but I try to make a practice of doing it weekly. Sunday afternoons usually work best for me. And I don’t worry about making a record of every little thing that happens to me. Instead, I write

1) about really happy moments I am grateful for and don’t want to forget,

and 2) confusing experiences or thoughts I want to help my sweet brain work through. My journal isn’t a pretty record for posterity. It is a helpful tool for my life right now.

7. Intentional gratitude turns the sky from gray to pink

I think we hear so much about how important it is to be grateful that we maybe forget how powerful it is! For me the game changed when I gave myself the term “intentional gratitude.” 

Rather than trying to guilt-trip myself with thoughts like, “Ugh, I should be more grateful,” I have been taking intentional moments to be grateful. I try to look at it as an emotion-free task, like brushing your teeth. Gratitude is just something I do regularly to take care of myself. How grateful I am isn’t a measure of how good I am. Gratitude is a tool to use, not a standard to meet. Thinking about it that way helps me practice gratitude in moments when I’m not feeling great.

Here are some examples of intentional gratitude that work for me:

• When I wake up in the morning and feel grumpy or anxious, I picture three things I’m grateful for. That’s it! When I do this, it’s like I can feel my inner sky warming from gray to pretty pink.

• During sacrament meeting I’ll use a pen and paper to make a free-flowing list of things I’m grateful for. New socks, pizza, Adam, a place to live, my pillow—throw whatever you want on there!

• Tell someone else what you are grateful for. It might feel kind of random to just start vocally making a list, but being thankful brings such a great vibe that whoever you’re talking to will probably love it! And in my experience, they will most likely chime in. Speaking your gratitude can be especially useful with someone you talk to often; it will help your conversation stay focused on the brighter things in life. 

Those are my first seven tips! I’ll be back soon with the final seven. If you are looking for more reading in the meantime, I have a few lovely links that inspired me below!

Bonus Blossoms

Hi! This is where I share a few random things I love, hopefully to add a little extra pink to swirl around your day.

1. “The case for ‘low-production’ church.” I loved this article by Meagan Kohler for the Deseret News. Whenever Meagan publishes an article, I read it. Her perspective and voice always get me thinking. In this case, she helped me love our our quirky sacrament meetings even more!

2. I really loved this episode of the Magnify podcast about stillness: “Taking Hold of the Stillness Already in Your Life with Carrie Skarda”. I am working on an email about it for y’all, but in the meantime I wrote this for LDS Living about what I learned from the episode: The most productive thing you can do for your testimony is also the simplest

3. This was equal parts fun and touching: Watch: This missionary giving Post Malone a Book of Mormon in the airport will make your day

4. And lastly, I worked with Jody Moore on an article for the July/August issue of LDS Living and it recently ran online. Her technique for finding is almost annoyingly useful: Peace can be a choice. 3 ways to re-center on Christ when worry sets in