The Biggest Lie Chick Flicks Ever Told Me
I mean, it’s still my fav movie. But COME ON.
This is part 2 of realizations to make dating easier! Find part 1 here.
One of the dreamiest chick-flicks ever if you ask me, is The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I realize that title is quite a mouthful, but the movie is a work of art, and I’ve read the book it's based off of at least three times. I’m not exaggerating.
The story is a historical fiction set in London just after World War II and follows the life of a fictional bestselling author named Juliet Ashton. Juliet is young, beautiful, and looking to rediscover herself and her writing now that the war is over.
One day, she receives a mysterious letter from a man named Dausey Adams who explains that he lives on the island of Guernsey in the English Channel. He found Juliet’s addresses written in an old book she’d sold that had somehow ended up on the island. Dausey wrote her to ask if she would be so kind as to send him a copy of a children’s book that was unavailable on their small island. That simple letter leads to an fantastical journey in which Juliet eventually travels to Guernsey and begins researching what life was like for the people living there after Germany occupied the island during the war.
I won’t spoil everything for you, but I will say that Juliet and Dausey, who turns out to be an exceedingly handsome bachelor, don’t stay just cordial acquaintances, if you know what I mean. The movie is full of beautiful scenery, historical gems, and a gloriously romantic plotline—and it also tells us a VERY BIG LIE about romance.
Unfortunate, I know.
Here’s what happens:
Sometime soon after Juliet’s arrival on Guernsey, she is eating dinner in the local pub when Dawsey walks in and, noticing her, asks if he can sit down. The two have interacted several times so far, but this is the first time they’ve been alone. Their conversation turns to discussing how they pictured the other back when they were exchanging letters. Dawsey says he pictured a woman with a few wisps of ginger-gray hair wearing glasses as thick as jam jars. Juliet says that she did have a few ideas about what Dawsey might look like, but as she describe her initial impressions of him, she hits us with this swoony-worth line as the two sit the dim, comfortable glow of their booth in the pub:
“But it was more of a sense that I was writing to someone who already understood me. I didn’t have to explain myself to, too much.”
The two gaze silently into each other’s eyes dramatically for several seconds as the chatter of the pub continues around them. Definitely a very sweet moment between the two fictional characters, and definitely gave me a false impression of what it must be like to fall in love.
Juliet’s confession conveys the idea that falling in love with someone is an easy, passive sort of experience. That when you meet the right person, you will immediately feel understood; no explanations, long conversations, or time required. Some instinctive power will allow Mr. Right to know how you think, love what you love, and be empathetic to your struggles. A snap-of-the-fingers kind of love and connection.
Now that sort of instant love might happen to some of you out there (lucky dogs) but I wouldn’t wait for it. Sure, you can, and probably should, have a generally good impression of someone pretty quickly, but a connection where you feel truly seen and understood is a prize only won through time, effort, and, frankly, a dose of courage.
Thanks to characters like Juliet and Dawsey, I thought that I should feel at ease immediately with someone I was dating. I should always feel like I was in a cozy restaurant chatting over something delicious. So then when even fourth or fifth dates still had an element of nerves or awkwardness, I’d feel frustrated that something was wrong with me, or I’d assume too quickly that the relationship wasn’t worth pursuing.
But I came to realize that those feelings of deep closeness that I craved took months and having lots of big and small experiences with someone. Love is something that grows when planted in the right conditions and cared for carefully. Nothing about it is instant, and I think that is part of what makes it so beautiful; we always appreciate something more when we’ve had to work and wait for it.
So, when you are going on dates with someone, don’t stress yourself out by rushing to decide how you feel about them. I think it is human nature to want to quickly give a relationship a hard “yes” or a hard “no” instead of waiting in an uncomfortable state of unknown. But when it comes to dating, a friend once told me that instead of a “yes” or a “no,” you have to be willing to give relationships a hard “we’ll see,” and then take steps to figure it out.
“We’ll see” is not a super comfortable place to be in, but I don’t think there is another way. And the closeness and love you’ll feel by being both patient and daring is most definitely worth it in the end.
Sometimes it helps me to think about dating as a series of scouting missions: you intentionally set out into unknown territory to gather information you can’t get any other way. Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s fun, and it’s always worth it. Let me give you a few examples of what these scouting missions might look like.
This first example my friend Alexis told me about while we waited to ride Rise of the Resistance in Disneyland. AKA, we had a heck of a long time to talk.
Alexis started dating a guy named Paul a few years after we’d all graduated college. Eventually they decided to be in an exclusive dating relationship, and Alexis was really happy about the whole situation—except for one thing: About a year before he met Alexis, Paul had been dating another girl, but they broke it off when she went on a mission.
Even though Alexis was confident that Paul liked her, Alexis was nervous about what might happen when the old girlfriend came home from her mission. In fact, she was more than nervous, she was terrified. But she pushed through the anxiety for another four months because overall she felt good about Paul and the direction their relationship was going.
Then, one day she noticed that Paul still had a few pictures of him with his previous girlfriend sitting in his photos on his phone. That’s when Alexis decided it was time to be bold and scout out how serious Paul was about their relationship. She wanted assurance that Paul wasn’t going to leave her for this old girlfriend.
So rather than sitting with the anxiety anymore, Alexis headed out on a scouting mission in the form of initiating a conversation with Paul about the future of their relationship. Alexis told me she was so scared to ask him, mostly because she liked him so much she didn’t want to lose him.
The conversation turned out to be a beautiful turning point of trust for Alexis and Paul. Because Alexis was willing to go into uncharted territory that was scary and unfamiliar, she and Paul were able to talk openly about their feelings and realize just how committed they really were to the relationship. Paul happily deleted the pictures and Alexis felt more secure in the relationship after that.
And, I’m happy to say that she and Paul were married in the Provo City Center Temple the following summer.
I know not every story ends that way, but I don’t think this one would have unless Alexis was willing to be courageous and say how she felt and ask the questions she needed to ask.
Alexis’s decision to speak up also teaches us an important principle about scouting trips: this isn’t only about gathering information, you are also going to have to open up and share about yourself. And knowing when and how to do that is something I think we learn as we go. Consider this quote I found in a Church magazine article by Amy Stevens Seal, CEO and founder of a matchmaking and dating consultation company (also whatta woman founding a company like that):
“To accomplish both connection and vulnerability, it’s important to learn how to share what you think, feel, and need in a way that matches the stage of the relationship. It’s not about sharing all your secrets or baring your soul on the first date. It’s important to learn the art of what to share, when, and with whom, in order to create the kind of connection that will deepen a relationship.”
I love how she called this aspect of relationship building an art. I totally agree. And I think that like painting or playing the piano, the more you practice, the easier it gets. (And you don’t have to be totally mistake free to create something beautifully.)
Sometimes your scouting trip will be a bold conversation. Other times, it may be bravely making an effort to see the person you are interested in different situations.
Let’s go another one of my friends, who we’ll call Sarah. She was in a relatively new relationship with a guy named Daniel, and she asked my advice on whether or not she should invite him on a camping trip she had planned with some of her other friends. From what I could tell, she did want him to come, but also was worried about having to impress him during the campout, and she wondered if she’d just feel more at ease the whole time if she was just with her close friends. We texted back and forth about the situation for a few minutes, and Sarah wrote out this quick pros and cons list:
Pros: Seeing him with more of my friends. He also loves camping.
Cons: He'll see me all gross and camping-ish. And there's a hike after so I'll be even more gross. That being said, it could be good for him to see me all gross haha. Also he hasn't met these friends yet, so I might feel like I'm hosting and we all already know each other pretty well.
She had two choices: invite Daniel to the camping trip and learn more about him, or don’t invite him and stay comfortable with her friends. In all reality, those are both good options. This decision was not going to determine the rest of Sarah’s life by any means. It could, however, should she choose to invite Daniel, be an ideal scouting mission for gathering more data about what he is like in different situations.
Sarah took the slightly more uncomfortable road and invited Daniel on the camping trip. He went and later Sarah told me it had been fun and the two of them continued dating.
Again, Sarah didn’t have to go on the trip, but she seemed genuinely glad she did. The goal here is not to rush through the dating process by going on every single scouting mission possible (that would be exhausting), but we are seeking opportunities to gather the information, experiences, and perspectives needed to make informed decisions.
Lastly, I want to look at an example from the dating days of Elder David A. Bednar and Susan Bednar. Man, do I love the Bednars.
In 2021, by a chain of events that started with an article I wrote for the YA Weekly section of the Liahona, I participated in a Church-sponsored Face to Face broadcast with them. This included one recording session between just Sister Bednar and I, and then another recording session with both of them.
My interactions with the Bednars have led me to believe they are kind, trustworthy people who earnestly strive, out of love, to do their best in every assignment they are given. I love them for it; I want to grow up to be like them.
And Sister Bednar wore a fuchsia pink blazer to our recording session—how can we not love her for that?
Throughout my experience on the Face to Face, I also observed how well the two of them work together. When I first met Sister Bednar, it was immediately clear that she had not shown up to mince words or waste time. This was a woman on a mission. She is not an observer, but a full participant in her husband's apostolic ministry to the world.
To both me and the production staff she repeatedly said things like, “My husband wants this to be about. . .” or “I want to be sure to cover what my husband had in mind. . .” She and Elder Bednar had obviously spoken at some length about this broadcast, and Sister Bednar was determined to do her part.
After about a half hour of us filming together, the production staff said they had what they needed and asked Sister Bednar if there was anything else she’d like to say. She took a moment to pause, and then walked through out loud what we’d talked about. She slowly ticked off on her fingers all the points we’d made.
As I watched her deep in thought, I felt a chill run through my body—I could feel how seriously she takes her responsibility to support her husband in his calling.
Now, the relationship I observed between the Bednars was beautiful and desirable, and came as the result of many scouting missions. How do I know that? They told us so themselves in a different Face to Face in 2012.
This broadcast came out when I was at the tender age of 15 and you’d better believe that I held on to every word about love and romance anybody ever said.
This Face to Face had two teenage hosts who asked the Bednars questions that had been submitted by youth. In a delightfully sweet and bashful way, one of the hosts posed the question, “What made you two fall in love with each other?” My teenage ears perked up. Sister Bednar began the story first. Here’s part of what she said:
“We were divided up into groups in our ward at Brigham Young University, and we had a home evening activity and that’s where I met him.
“It was a wonderful beginning, but we didn’t just fall in love at first sight. And many people think that’s how it's done: you just look at someone and you know that they’re the right one, that you’re going to fall in love and get married. But it took some time. So I encourage you to not just go on a date with someone one time and say ‘that person’s not for me.’
“And I think Elder Bednar and I would both agree that people don’t fall in love, but you pick someone with whom you can create the love that you desire. So we’ve spent 40 years of being married and creating that love. And I can honestly say that we’re more in love today than we were 40 years ago.”
How sweet is that? “You pick someone with whom you can create the love that you desire.” Ah, Sister Bednar is such a queen (and is wearing a bright pink in this Face to Face as well. We love.).
I also want to point out that she said it “took some time” for her and Elder Bednar to begin to love each other. I honestly think that we don't wait up in our towers for Prince Charming in all his kingly glory to burst in; instead we seek him out and slowly begin to recognize him as we put together the pieces of who he is one date, one experience, one a scouting mission at a time.
Anyway, after Sister Bednar finished speaking, Elder Bednar gave us another gem of advice. He said,
“The word love is both a verb and a noun. And I think sometimes we think, ‘Well, I have to have the feeling, the noun, before I start doing love the verb.’ . . . Now I don’t want this to sound unromantic, but the feeling follows love the verb. We find young people all over the world who think, ‘Well, I have to find the one and true and only.’ More correctly, you have to become the one and true and only through what you do and what you become. . . ,
“You don’t just fall in love; that doesn't just happen. You don’t sit around and wait for that to occur. You engage in love the verb and then love the noun, the emotion and the feeling, is just remarkable. So I think you create it—you don’t find it.”
Preach Elder Bednar!
So in sum, do we have to always put ourselves out of our comfort zones in dating? No! Do we need to do it sometimes? Absolutely yes! And how empowering is that? We can do this! With a little help from heaven, we can create the love we want.
As a final sort of pep talk to encourage you to set out on a scouting trip the next time the opportunity arises, I want to share with you this goldmine of a quote from Amy Tanner.
Amy is an associate professor of mathematics education at Brigham Young University, (so clearly she’s smart) and she gave a devotional called, “The Gift of Uncertainty.”
In her message, she shares the story in the Book of Mormon in which a man referred to as “the brother of Jared” and his family has to cross the ocean in tightly closed barges. Such tight barges in fact that no light can get inside of them. The brother of Jared tells the Lord about this problem of lack of light, and asks what he should do.
Instead of providing the brother of Jared with a solution, the Lord turns the question back to him and asks what he thinks they should do. After some thought, the brother of Jared presents 16 stones to the Lord and asks Him to touch them so that they will shine and provide the light his family desperately needed for their journey.
The Lord does touch the stones, they do shine, and the brother of Jared and his family are able to move forward with their lives—largely because the brother of Jared was willing to give the Lord something to work with. After relaying that story, Amy says the following. As you read this, I want you to consider your dates and relationships as stones offered to the Lord:
“In embracing the uncertainties of life and moving forward in spite of knowing that all might not turn out as we would hope or like, we create our own stones for the Lord to touch and turn to light. Maybe something good will happen when we move forward in darkness. Maybe something bad will happen. Probably it will be a little of both. But God can touch all of those stones. If we make our decision and offer our decision up to the Lord, He can turn all of our stones to light. He can give us opportunities to do good, build relationships, find faith, change, and grow, even with the stoniest of stones that we offer him.”
We don’t head out alone on our scouting missions, ladies. I believe the Lord is right there ready to go with us. Invite Him to come with you.
His Spirit and our choice to abide by His commandments as we go will keep us safe and lead us to the prettiest places and the happiest memories: “He shall feed his sheep, and in him they shall find pasture,” (1 Nephi 22:25).
That was part 2 of realizations to make dating easier! Find part 1 here.
Bonus Blossoms
Hi! This is where I share a few random things I love, hopefully to add a little extra pink to swirl around your day.
Here is an article I wrote about how much I loved Sister Bednar: “What Sister Bednar taught me about the active role of an Apostle’s wife during our conversation on the Face to Face”
Sooooo go buy the Guernsey Book already: “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” (because even though it lies to us about romance we will still love it.)
And probably the best for last, I honestly think this is an article every young adult should read: “A Message to My Fellow Single Adults: ‘You’re Not Doing Anything Wrong” A lotta tears around this one. But like happy, “I feel seen” tears.