Em’s Guide to Kissing: Part 2

So, what is his kissing philosophy? And what is yours?

Hi! In case you missed it, find part 1 of the kissing guide here.

Talk, then Kiss, then Talk and Talk and Talk

We are going to start this off with a bomb quote I found in Sister Michelle D. Craig’s general conference talk, “Eyes to See.” (Sister Craig was in the Young Women general presidency and from what I can tell is a straight queen.) She quoted columnist David Brooks as saying:

“Many of our society’s great problems flow from people not feeling seen and known. … [There is a] core … trait that we all have to get … better at [, and that] is the trait of seeing each other deeply and being deeply seen.”

Seeing each other deeply and being deeply seen—I’m convinced that is the key to that wonderful feeling of emotional closeness.

Now, there are way more qualified people than me to talk about the psychology of human relationships. But can I suggest something that will help you feel seen and see deeply when it comes to kissing? To avoid an illusion of closeness and go for the real thing, you’ve got to talk about kissing with the person you’re kissing. I know, not a super romantic sounding activity, but it actually might be way more bonding than you think. And if asking questions about personal things like this scares you, remember what David Brooks said, seeing others deeply is a trait that we can get better at.

So before kissing someone, or very soon after, I would suggest asking this simple question: What does kissing mean to you?

Then really listen to their reply. This question isn’t a pass or fail test; you aren’t interrogating or judging them. This just helps you figure out if you two are on the same page or not when it comes to kissing. Maybe if I had asked Jordan earlier what he thought about kissing I could have saved myself the heartache by realizing that he wasn’t looking for the same type of relationship I was.

Some people seem to think that kissing doesn’t mean much and have kissed lots of people. Others, like me that summer, are looking for something more lasting and only want to kiss someone who is interested in a closer relationship. You absolutely deserve to know where the person you are interested in is on that spectrum. So just ask. And be prepared to give an answer in return—what do you want right now? What would you want a kiss to convey?

Then keep an open conversation going. I’m not saying that every time you see that person you need to check in on their kissing philosophies, but if the relationship keeps progressing then sooner rather than later you need to ask them other questions: When it comes to kissing, what sort of boundaries would you feel good about? What role does kissing play in our relationship right now?

Again, I am totally aware that this sounds like an awkward question to ask. But it is so important to talk about and will get you both on the same page and feeling safe. My best example of how this works magic comes from a conversation I had with a boyfriend who I was head-over-heels for.

We were sitting in his car after driving home from going to a wedding reception together. Before long we were kissing in more of a chocolate swirl with toffee bits and marshmallows than a sweet simple strawberry, if you get my meaning. After a few minutes we stopped and started talking again. The conversation turned to kissing and what we feel would be best for us in that department at this point in the relationship.

I won’t give you the whole list, but we agreed to never touch what we viewed as sacred body parts. We agreed that meeting up just to make out was never OK. I told him that I wanted kissing to be an expression of affection and love, and he agreed. And I told him that all of these boundaries were ultimately because I want to be sealed in the temple more than anything, and so I wanted to act in a way that is respectful of that dream. Again, he agreed. The whole conversation was very bonding; I learned a lot about his motives and the goodness of his heart that night. I could see more who he really is.

Then my boyfriend did something that was sweeter than any ice cream I’ve ever had. He reached across to my seat and kissed me slowly on the cheek. And you’d better believe that those few seconds sent way more chills across my body than the kissing earlier.

I felt loved and seen. He now knew how much I wanted a gospel-centered family, and he seemed to love me for it. That had me melting like a popsicle on the fourth of July. And ready for a spoiler alert? A little over a year later, I married that sweet boy. I wholeheartedly believe that our open conversation about physical intimacy was one of the factors that helped us to truly see each other, which then led us to truly love each other.

Say hello to Bearded Adam! This was at the wedding reception spoken of. It was held in a greenhouse and we had fun taking pictures with our friends. Pictures I stared at for hour later.

So ladies, talk, kiss, then talk and talk and talk. Asking even simple questions about their feelings about kissing can save you a lot of grief and help you reach that precious place of seeing deeply and being deeply seen.

Remember the Cheshire Cat

Phew, did everyone take a deep breath after that section? This next one is fairly simple: decide whether or not you want to kiss someone before they are standing there doing the flicker.

Growing up, I remember often being advised to decide now that I was never going to drink alcohol or do drugs. And I was probably advised to decide early never to have sex before marriage. But I don’t think anyone ever told me to put in some careful consideration to what I would do about kissing.

Now I am not saying you have to have decided deep in your heart that this is Prince Charming before you lean in for that three second peck. But, before kissing someone for the first time, be clear in your own head that this is a relationship you at least feel good about exploring. Before you find yourself alone with him after watching a movie, decide what would be best for you and him in the long run. Think ahead to what situations might come up and be conscious about them.

Kissing is fun, and I don’t want to paint it as this stuffy, serious situation, but as Taylor Swift sang, “love is a ruthless game unless we play it good and right.” (Or at least do our best to.)

Now while we all (or most of us) love Taylor Swift lyrics, now feels like a good time to share one of my favorite teachings from President Thomas S. Monson. This is from his iconic talk “The Three Rs of Choice.” I want you to put this short story in the context of kissing as you read:

Let us not find ourselves as indecisive as is Alice in Lewis Carroll’s classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. You will remember that she comes to a crossroads with two paths before her, each stretching onward but in opposite directions. She is confronted by the Cheshire cat, of whom Alice asks, “Which path shall I follow?”

The cat answers, “That depends where you want to go. If you do not know where you want to go, it doesn’t matter which path you take.”

Unlike Alice, we all know where we want to go, and it does matter which way we go, for by choosing our path, we choose our destination.

Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed—the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. Decisions do determine destiny.

I plead with you to make a determination right here, right now, not to deviate from the path which will lead to our goal: eternal life with our Father in Heaven.

I think we all want the happiness and security that comes from a relationship grounded in the commandments and teachings of Jesus Christ. So please, please, please have so much fun while dating. Kiss the boy if it feels right the best you can tell. But remember the Cheshire Cat: keep your destination in mind and determine now to make the choices that will help get you there.

That was part 2 & 3 of the kissing guide! Find part 1 here. More to the guide to come next week!