Em’s Guide to Kissing: Part 3
Puh-lease stop swapping kissing stats
Hi! In case you missed it, find parts 1, 2, and 3 of the kissing guide here.
Let’s not make it a numbers game
I think we’ve all been there—whether it’s in a tent at girls camp, a dorm room, or in a car on a road trip, someone always brings up kissing. And for good reason! First kiss stories, worst kiss stories, they all make for great conversation.
But there is one aspect of those giggly convos that make me uncomfortable: when people start declaring how many people they’ve kissed as if it’s a badge of honor.
No, no, no.
That sort of talk creates insecurities faster than Taylor can win a Grammy.
Let me put the record straight: racking up the number of boys you’ve kissed does not make you prettier, more lovable, or more exciting than anyone else. And not having ever kissed a boy does not make you less pretty, less loveable, or less exciting than anybody else.
I have friends who are in their early to mid-twenties who have never kissed someone, and I don’t think one iota less of them for it. If you are in that position right now and someone has ever made you feel inferior because you’re still waiting on that first kiss or first real boyfriend, I hereby give you permission to right now, today, stop feeling bad about it. (I don’t have authority to do that, but, hey, who’s stopping me?)
Without even knowing you, I can promise that there is so much more to who you are and what you will do for this world than your love life statistics. And I don’t really think kissing more people will lead you to happier relationships. Improving your communication skills, developing Christlike attributes, refining your talents—those are the types of pursuits that will really set us up for success.
And in all reality, I would consider it a win to not kiss that many boys. If you do have to move through what feels like way too many boyfriends to find the keeper, I salute your efforts. But if your path is to find and date just one or two before committing, I find that equally romantic.
Don’t make this about the numbers friends, we are all trying our best.
Be kind to yourself
Congratulations, you have made it to the last point of my guide, and perhaps the most important one: be kind to yourself.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with girlfriends or my mom where I’ve lamented (perhaps over-dramatically at times), “I can’t believe I was so stupid!” Hindsight can be a rude, cold slap in the face.
At times I have put way too much pressure on myself by thinking that I should’ve had all this kissing stuff figured out earlier. Even worse, I’ve sincerely wondered if something was wrong with me after relationships awkwardly fizzled out, I went long spells without a date, or during moments when I felt like I may have messed a really good thing up.
I guess I thought that if I was just smarter or better at this somehow then I could be as happy as my engaged and married friends I saw online seemed to be.
Or that I would be married already if there wasn’t something obviously, intrinsically wrong with my brain.
And on down that dark rabbit hole we go.
Can we all agree to cut ourselves some slack as we try to figure this out? I hope I’ve made it clear by now that I value the relationships in my life and don’t want to be flippant about them. But if I kick myself to the curb every time something doesn’t go like the movies, then I am going to get discouraged real fast. Instead, let’s internalize that kissing and dating aren’t as sparkly as our 10-year-old selves believed they always would be. We all feel awkward, insecure, and downright frustrated sometimes. Happy, free, confused, and lonely as Taylor would say. Let’s learn without putting ourselves up against some imaginary kissing grading scale. (If there was such a grading scale, I would give myself a C+. Max.)
If you do something physically with a boy and feel weird about it afterward, remember that you are always loved. If you wish you would have made a move but were too scared, remember that you are so valuable and capable. If you misread his intentions and are now stinging embarrassment, remember you aren’t alone and you likely did your best.
God will never stop reaching out to you, even while you’re at Target
I have a very important note to add before we’re done.
If you feel you’ve let intimacy with a boy go too far, the happy news is that you are never too far gone. Repentance, change, clean slates, second tries—I fervently believe in all of that. If you are unsure about the repentance process, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your bishop. You are not the only one who’s been through this, and your bishop will know how to help you.
I absolutely believe that Heavenly Father and Savior never stop reaching out to you, even for a moment. There is no waiting period where They want you to suffer in guilty silence before forgiving you. I once served as the Relief Society president in my YSA ward and had an experience that solidified my testimony of the reality of Savior’s ever outstretched arms. And believe it or not, but it happened in the makeup aisle at Target.
One Friday night I suddenly became fixated on getting a lamp for my bedroom. I had thought about getting one before, but after work on Friday I felt this insane urge that I must have a lamp, and I must have it now. (This is making me sound like a diva, but looking back I think it was the Spirit.)
But my evening got a little busy and I didn’t make it to Target until about 9:30 p.m., which is very unlike me; I am the type of person that if I’m invited to a party that starts past 8 p.m., I just don’t go—that is way too late to just be starting something. But, I could shake this need for a lamp, so off to Target I went.
After finding the lamp I’d seen online, I wandered over the makeup aisle to look for something. As I was standing looking around confusedly at all the options, I turned and saw a sister in my YSA ward slowly pushing a cart at the end of the aisle. Surprised, I called out to her and walked over.
When I got closer I could see that she didn’t look well, really tired and a bit pale. The only thing in her cart were a few packages of feminine hygiene pads. We started to chat for a minute and before long the poor girl, through tears, was telling me that she had recently miscarried a pregnancy and today was the first time she’d felt able to get up off her floor and leave the house.
My heart dropped to my feet as I thought about the physical and emotional pain she must have been through. And had been through largely alone. We hugged and I expressed my love for her and my desire to help. She asked me how she could get an appointment with the bishop. In her words, she’d “messed up” and wanted to set things right.
So right there in the makeup aisle, I texted her our bishop’s number and did my very best to assure her that talking with him would help bring the peace she needed. We then made plans to bring her some needed lasagna and arrange the other help she needed. The following Sunday, I found her after church and stood by her side outside the bishop’s office until it was her turn to go in, and waited until I saw her smiling face come out afterward.
Now, I won’t try to speak for that sister’s experience with repentance. But I will say that I am never at Target that late and that this Target was a big store so the chance of us running into each other was small—and yet we did. We even were fortunate to run into each other in a spot where there weren’t very many other shoppers. Maybe my sweet friend needed just that little nudge and expression of love to take a step toward the Savior’s healing. He didn’t look the other way and wait for her to come knocking. He reached out and offered an open door, which she chose to walk through.
And that’s why I know we are never left alone, even when we mess up.
On another occasion, I was in a car with a different sister from that same YSA ward who had stepped away from the Church and was figuring out how she felt about coming back. She made a comment about how her sexual purity was totally gone forever at this point, and I couldn’t help but interrupt her and full-heartedly disagree. I don’t think anyone is ever really past some point of no return. Why? Because I believe this verse of scripture isn’t just pretty words:
“Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18).
You can always do the work necessary to repent—to change—and find your way back to your fondest dreams, to your happily ever after.
And that is a wrap for Em’s Guide to Kissing! If you missed anything, you can find the complete guide here. Next week we are talking break-ups!
The extra blossoms
Hi! Welcome to a new little thing I’d like to do sometimes. Here are three things I love recently that I think you might love too! Just to add a little extra pink to swirl around your day.
EMMA NISSEN. You guys. If you haven’t checked out Emma Nissen’s music yet, you should. She is the Adele of the Latter-day Saint word. She is just getting started in her musical career, but I have her three singles on repeat. Find her wherever you find music. Or watch her completely adorable music video below.
“How I Dealt with Newlywed Homesickness” This is a Church magazine article I stumbled across and reading it reminded me of just how much writing can help people. Because it really helped me! This put into words how I felt when Adam and I first got married in a way that was validating, helpful, and left me feeling joyful in the end. So yay.
It’s probably weird to recommend your own writing but I am going to do it anyway. This piece I wrote as a cover for LDS Living magazine was published online recently and it was one of my favorite projects. “Delivered: This WWII prison camp survivor learned only Christ could set her free.” Marie Elliott survived a prison camp in Indonesia as a child and her journey to truly break free of all the camp had inflicted on her little soul is deeply inspiring to me. I hope you think so too!
K bye!