Breakups Part 2: Something to Hold On to During Your Ride on the Breakup Struggle Bus
I know “Sour” is great, but how about this as a breakup album?
Hi! If you missed part 1 of breakups, maybe go read that first!
A hard part of breakups is wondering why it all had to happen in the first place. You may find yourself asking, If I’m trying to do what’s right, then why didn’t God lead me to Prince Charming? Or you may look at others and think, What did she do to deserve this that I didn’t do?
The pain of having a relationship end is so real and not something to be taken lightly. The weeks after a breakup can leave you feeling so disoriented; a real bumpy ride on the struggle bus with no destination in sight.
For me, the best way to approach those hard feelings is by believing that there’s purpose in your struggle—that there’s an invaluable opportunity for growth somewhere in the situation. That belief doesn’t necessarily stop the tears or fix all the problems, but it does bring a sense of hope that settles over life like a warm evening light. Let’s take a look at a story from the Book of Mormon that doesn’t often get highlighted in Sunday school, but one that I’ve come to love and that demonstrates what happens to us when we start to believe there is purpose in the struggle.
If there ever were a group of people desperate to get off the struggle bus, it is the people of Limhi. When we meet these people in Mosiah chapter 7, they are in bondage to the Lamanites and had been for years. They are forced to give up half of all they possessed year after year to the Lamanite king or risk death. At one point, King Limhi laments to his people, “Is not this grievous to be borne? And is not this, our affliction, great? Now behold, how great reason we have to mourn.”
Clearly, life felt very difficult, with no way out of the problem. But then something happens that causes what seems to be an immediate change in King Limhi’s attitude. It’s like a switch suddenly flipped his hope back on.
Why was he all of a sudden “exceedingly glad” as the scripture says?
The great missionary Ammon arrived out of the blue and that seems to bring him renewed hope that things could get better for their people. So, in what I imagine must have been a flurry of excited energy, Limhi gathers all his people together the next day. Now pay close attention to what Limhi says, and remember that nothing has actually changed yet in the people’s lives; they are still in just as much bondage as they were before:
“And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that [Limhi] spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.”
Let me tell you why I put that last line in italics. The word effectual means “able to produce a desired effect.” So for perhaps the first time, King Limhi starts to trust that instead of being all for nothing, their struggles could now produce a desired effect, or in other words, have a purpose.
Their struggle could be leading to a happy end, which in their case would mean two things 1) repentance among them and 2) to achieve freedom from the Lamanites. That belief lights a fire in Limhi to hatch a plan for freedom. And (spoiler alert) thanks to Ammon’s help, King Limhi and many of his people covenant to serve God and keep His commandments, and the people escape and start a life free from bondage.
Both their hearts and their circumstances changed once they began to trust that their struggle could lead to something.
I believe the same thing is true for us. When we can find it ourselves to believe that even our most painful breaks up are, in fact, an effectual struggle, then our motivation to keep trying sparks until it grows into a glowing fire again.
So as you process the disorienting feelings that accompany the end to a relationship, try to visualize that this often uncomfortable ride is leading you to a beautiful destination, and that the only way to get there is by passing through the heartache.
Every time your heart breaks, it will be softer and more ready to comfort someone else. For every time you are rejected, your self-confidence can grow back rooted in more sure soil. For every time you ask God how this hurt could possibly be right, your trust in Him will become more intimate. For every time you break, God can take the pieces and create a work of art more beautiful than you thought.
Maybe the hardest part of shattered expectations is not knowing when you are going to feel better again or reach your perceived destination. Think about how much easier it would have been for Lehi and his family at the beginning of the Book of Mormon if they had known exactly how many days they were going to have to travel in the wilderness before making it to the promised land. If they’d known, they could have crossed off days on their calendars and assured their kids they were getting close.
Maybe Laman and Lemuel wouldn’t have become so frustrated if they could see the trip’s itinerary from the start, rather than trusting that their crazy brother could build a ship or relying in the directions coming from a metal ball that seemingly magically appeared outside their dad’s tent.
A detailed plan they could hold and consult probably would have done loads for the morale and faith of the entire family. But the Lord didn’t give them that. They had to take the journey one day at a time, trusting that they were going to get somewhere, but not knowing where or how.
And I believe the Lord set Lehi’s family up like that on purpose.
He was giving them an opportunity to learn to trust Him, which is an opportunity to know for themselves just how deserving of trust Heavenly Father is. A precious, earned knowledge they could find joy and solace in for the rest of their lives. And in the meantime, the family members who chose to trust in the Lord had “miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day” (Alma 37:40).
I believe that at some point in your life, whether it’s through a tough breakup or something else, the Lord will offer you the same opportunity to learn to trust Him. To make the decision to trust you are going to get somewhere joyous, even if you don’t know where or how yet. And when we choose to trust Him, we come to know the goodness of Heavenly Father’s heart and have a relationship with Him that I don’t think can come in any other way. Our choice to trust will also allow us to experience miracles “day by day” like Lehi’s family did.
What it takes on our part is acting like we believe something beautiful is coming around the corner. To go back to the example of King Limhi, he didn’t know how it was all going to work out once Ammon showed up. In his excited speech to the people he said, “The time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies.” In other words, he didn’t know if their deliverance would be the next day or in months, but he still told the people, “If ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.”
The people were going to need to trust God. They were going to need to keep His commandments. But then what? God would, of his “own will and pleasure” deliver them.
It is God’s pleasure—His delight—to deliver us from whatever makes us feel bound.
He asks that we do our best to keep living like Jesus at all points in our journey, whether or not the destination is obvious, hold tightly to the covenants we’ve made to keep the commandments, and trust in His power to get us where we need to be.
In a 2023 devotional for young adults, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke of a friend of his who was experiencing very serious health problems—and not just him, the friend’s wife and daughter had been in and out of the hospital as well. It sounds like this young family was in a sort of bondage. In fact, Elder Holland’s friend wrote to him, “Over the last few months my world has become very small: [the size of] hospital [beds] and sick rooms.” Then this precious, struggling individual said something that gave me chills, “I have never liked the idea that the Lord gives us trials, but I do believe He can use them for His purposes.”
Perhaps our loving Father didn’t give you this deeply painful breakup and its stinging shards of shattered expectations, but I believe that with His help (in fact, only with His help), we can live up to the beautiful potential of growth and depth of character we came to earth to find. Someday, somehow, this will all be worth it.
Now, I know Olivia Rodrigo’s 2021 breakup album really just hits the spot sometimes when we’re sad, but what if we took a sharp left turn and made this verse from the hymn “Dearest Children, God is Near You” our breakup anthem?
Dearest children, God is near you,
Watching o’er you day and night,
And delights to own and bless you,
If you strive to do what’s right.
He will bless you, He will bless you,
If you put your trust in him.
Whether you feel like you can sing that verse loud and proud, or softly with pleading in your voice, please don’t give up on your dreams. Don’t compromise for what you know is right. And please don’t give up on God’s ability and desire to deliver you. The world needs the faithful, strong, authentic women we will become by trusting our way through the bumpy ride.
What To Say and What Not to Say to Someone after a Breakup
To end this discussion on breakups, I have some ideas for supporting your friends who are going through heartbreak. I have three guidelines that I hope ultimately will help us become better at comforting those that stand in need of comfort.
When a heart is hurting, the right words can be one of the most soothing balms in the world, but the wrong ones can offer an especially sharp sting. And if anyone ever says anything insensitive to you after a breakup, you have my permission to hand them this list with a smile and then walk away.
Don’t put people in the waiting room. What do I mean by that? Avoid language that makes them feel like they are back to square one now that they are single again. Instead of saying, “Don’t worry, you will find love one day,” assure them that they are loved right now! Look for gentle ways to assure them that their life has so much purpose just as they are. At whatever stage of life we are in, we can choose to be actively engaged in good works, rather than waiting for the day our lives will start. This quote from dear Elder Gerritt W. Gong I think hits this point right on the head:
“During this life, we sometimes wait upon the Lord. We may not yet be where we hope and wish to be in the future. A devout sister says, ‘Waiting faithfully upon the Lord for His blessings is a holy position. It must not be met with pity, patronizing, or judgment but instead with sacred honor.’ In the meantime, we live now, not waiting for life to begin.”
I hope that when you interact with someone who recently went through a breakup, you will treat them with sacred honor. Don’t assume they did something wrong and that is why the relationship didn’t work out. You never know someone’s whole story, so let’s follow Elder Gong’s advice and withhold judgment and instead freely give honor.
Don’t dismiss people’s pain. Breakups really do hurt! Some situations are certainly more painful than others, but you, as an outsider, can never really tell how much someone might have been thrown for a loop by a breakup. They may brush it off as no big deal or give reasons why the breakup was a good idea, but then cry in the safety of their bathroom at night. I’m not saying we need to slip right into despair with our friends, but don’t belittle their feelings. And do not, in any circumstances, I beg you, start a sentence with “at least.”
At least you were lucky enough to have a boyfriend.
At least your job and school plans are going well.
At least you learned something out of this, right?
I am cringing at all of these because all of them can induce guilt in the listener for even feeling sad. And when you are sad, the last thing you need in the world is to feel guilty about it. So what do we say instead?
Express empathy. I am a big fan of researcher and scholar Brene Brown. She has done a lot of work studying human emotions, and she has some stellar advice for us when it comes to being empathetic (which you could also watch in this adorable video):
“Empathy is feeling with people. I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space. When someone’s in a deep hole and they shout from the bottom and say, ‘I’m stuck, it’s dark, I’m overwhelmed.’ And we . . . climb down and say, ‘I know what it’s like down here, and you’re not alone.’ . . .
“Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with, ‘At least.’ . . . One of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better. [But] if I share something with you that’s very difficult, I’d rather you say, ‘I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me.’ Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Isn’t that beautiful? Don’t focus on saying something that will fix someone’s pain; instead focus on being with people and expressing your love and support for them.
Don’t assure people of things you don’t actually know. I can remember multiple times after a breakup when well-intentioned people sincerely said, “You are going to find ‘the one’, one day. I know it.” Or some variant of that. I understand that they were only trying to be optimistic, but the comments made me feel misunderstood. Hearing people speak about marriage as if it were inevitably just around the corner frustrated me—couldn’t they see they were dangling a carrot in front of my nose that I felt powerless to catch? Instead, I wish people would speak about things that we do know are possible in this life: joy, change, meaningful service, happiness, progression, persistence. Those are things I could focus on and felt I could control. Speaking in terms of what someone can experience now also prevents creating that “waiting room” feeling I mentioned earlier.
None of us will be perfect in our efforts to support friends and family through hard times. That’s just a fact. But I believe that as long as we sincerely act out of love for another person, that will cover up for any fumbling or awkwardness on our parts. Our love might just be what will help cast “out all fear” in the broken hearts around us and encourage them to not give up on their dreams (see Moroni 8:16).
And that’s a wrap on breakups! If you missed part one, find it here. Next week, we will talk about how to know if you’re in love. Ooooo!
Bonus blossoms
Hi! This is where I share a few random things I love, hopefully to add a little extra pink to swirl around your day.
If I was a food blogger, this would be the first recipe I’d post: spaghetti squash mixed with parmesan Pasta-Roni. You are eating veggies as the main meal, but it tastes amazing. This is what we live for.
Take a dance break. If you’ve watched “Crashing Landing On You” than you know how important dance breaks are. Three minutes (if you give it everything you’ve got) can change the whole day. If you need a song suggestion, my honest go to is “Jump Around” by House of Pain. (I hereby resolve myself of any guilt if that song has dumb lyrics haha. I don’t even know what they are saying.) I dare you to try and go hard that whole song.
This is pretty random, but for whatever reason, this video of President Ballard hits me so hard in the feels. At one point he says, “I’ve got the bust of Joseph F. Smith and Joseph and Hyrum. And I look at them, and I think I hear them say, ‘Get going boy, and do something worthwhile. Tell the world what’s happened.’” And then I cry. Just watch it, OK?